VenomousCarnage
December 31st, 2010, 02:50 AM
Okay, since no one really uses this website except halopen members and Chief John, I decided to post this here just so everyone can see it. Anyway, this is another one of my darker ideas I've been tinkering with alongside Soulless, and have finally conjured up and wrote the first scene of the screenplay and I wanted to share. The concept in this case was simple, I wanted to write the perfect psycho. One of my biggest complaints about most current machinimas is that very few people take any risks with their characters. Most machinimas being made today often revolve around the same basic cliches, whether it be the hero, villain or whatever. It just seems that 90% of all machinimas I see are carbon copies of each other, often involving soldiers fighting a war against each other or elites (Don't even get me started on machinimas based in the halo U).
Anyway, much like I still hope to do with Soulless(which I will continue writing just as soon as I think of where to take the story), I wanted to write something a little different. And while Soulless is more action driven, I wanted to make this one a bit more character driven, exploring different aspects of the human mind, a topic I still find endlessly fascinating. Before anyone says anything, yes I understand this is hard to do in Machinima, but far from impossible, and if this ever gets made, I would like to see it done right.
Now I'm rambling, this is the first scene I thought up and wrote no more than 20 minutes ago, and this is more of a test scene to show myself and everyone else the kind of character I'm imagining here. Regardless, I'm very pleased with the results, but as always, constructed criticism is always appreciated.
Int. store-night
A MALE EMPLOYEE is alone in a STORE, he is messing with a cash register. He is closing up shop, when suddenly the lights turn off. The Employee looks around confused.
Employee
What the-? Bill? Is that you?
A voice is heard over the loudspeaker.
Jack(loudspeaker)
Oops, did I do that? Sorry, I can be so clumsy with these things sometimes.
EMPLOYEE
Who is this? Is this some kind of a joke?
JACK(LOUDSPEAKER)
In a way, yes, but it's MY joke, you see. I like to have my fun with people now and again, and I must admit, while highly impractical, theatrics never get old. Although they might for you fairly soon.
EMPLOYEE
What are you talking about, man? Who the hell are you?
JACK(LOUDSPEAKER)
(giggling)
Oh my dear boy, you haven't quite figured it out yet, have you? You're done, finished, end of the line! Or whatever equally cliche expression you prefer. Personally, I like "taking your last breath." I don't know, they're just something about it that tickles me. Oh, and call me Jack, everyone does!
Jack begins to laugh to himself while the Employee runs for the nearest door, only to find it locked.
JACK(LOUDSPEAKER)
Oh, by the way, I hope you don't mind if I went ahead and locked up for you, figured I'd save you some time.
EMPLOYEE
Oh God no!
JACK(LOUDSPEAKER)
Time's running out, my good man!
(chanting)
Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock...
Jack continues chanting while Employee runs into the store for the emergency exit. He reaches it, but finds it won't open either. He hears a voice behind him.
JACK
Well isn't that a pity.
The Employee turns around to see JACK staring at him with a wide grin, he slowly moves closer to him as he talks.
EMPLOYEE
What do you want?!
JACK
(puzzled)
What do I want? Well, I want a great many things. A new apartment maybe, an Anston Martin would be nice, the latest Stephen King book, I don't know! Oh! Wait, do you mean right now? Oh, well, right now, right now...right now what I want more than anything...is to hear you scream for me. Can you do that for me?
EMPLOYEE
Oh no no no no!
Jack is now standing right in front of the Employee as he tries to back away.
JACK
Now, there's no need to get angry, my demands aren't high, just a little one?
The Employee is now crouching in the corner, paralyzed in fear.
JACK
(irritated)
I said...SCREAM!
Jack pulls out a knife and stabs the Employee's hand, he shrieks in pain. Jack listens with delight.
JACK
THAT is an EXCELLENT start, but I think we can do better, don't you?
Jack slides the knife through his hand and up to his shoulder. The Employee screams even louder, Jack listens with eyes closed, mouth ajar, and smiling an insidious grin.
JACK
NOW THAT'S MORE LIKE IT! Don't you just love that sound? Sounds like an orchestra led by a deaf woman on a pogo stick.
(laughing hysterically)
I LOVE IT!
Jack laughs hysterically for a few minutes before calming down and looking at the nearly bled out, shaking employee.
JACK
Heh heh, sorry, I just really enjoy my work. Now then, have you breathed your last breath? If you haven't, you should. Go ahead, I'll wait. Make it a deep one though.
Unsure as to what to do, the Employee breaths in as deep as he can given his current situation.
JACK
Excellent, good job boyo!
Jack raises his knife one more time and thrusts towards his head. The screens turns to black before the blow is made.
Anyway, much like I still hope to do with Soulless(which I will continue writing just as soon as I think of where to take the story), I wanted to write something a little different. And while Soulless is more action driven, I wanted to make this one a bit more character driven, exploring different aspects of the human mind, a topic I still find endlessly fascinating. Before anyone says anything, yes I understand this is hard to do in Machinima, but far from impossible, and if this ever gets made, I would like to see it done right.
Now I'm rambling, this is the first scene I thought up and wrote no more than 20 minutes ago, and this is more of a test scene to show myself and everyone else the kind of character I'm imagining here. Regardless, I'm very pleased with the results, but as always, constructed criticism is always appreciated.
Int. store-night
A MALE EMPLOYEE is alone in a STORE, he is messing with a cash register. He is closing up shop, when suddenly the lights turn off. The Employee looks around confused.
Employee
What the-? Bill? Is that you?
A voice is heard over the loudspeaker.
Jack(loudspeaker)
Oops, did I do that? Sorry, I can be so clumsy with these things sometimes.
EMPLOYEE
Who is this? Is this some kind of a joke?
JACK(LOUDSPEAKER)
In a way, yes, but it's MY joke, you see. I like to have my fun with people now and again, and I must admit, while highly impractical, theatrics never get old. Although they might for you fairly soon.
EMPLOYEE
What are you talking about, man? Who the hell are you?
JACK(LOUDSPEAKER)
(giggling)
Oh my dear boy, you haven't quite figured it out yet, have you? You're done, finished, end of the line! Or whatever equally cliche expression you prefer. Personally, I like "taking your last breath." I don't know, they're just something about it that tickles me. Oh, and call me Jack, everyone does!
Jack begins to laugh to himself while the Employee runs for the nearest door, only to find it locked.
JACK(LOUDSPEAKER)
Oh, by the way, I hope you don't mind if I went ahead and locked up for you, figured I'd save you some time.
EMPLOYEE
Oh God no!
JACK(LOUDSPEAKER)
Time's running out, my good man!
(chanting)
Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock...
Jack continues chanting while Employee runs into the store for the emergency exit. He reaches it, but finds it won't open either. He hears a voice behind him.
JACK
Well isn't that a pity.
The Employee turns around to see JACK staring at him with a wide grin, he slowly moves closer to him as he talks.
EMPLOYEE
What do you want?!
JACK
(puzzled)
What do I want? Well, I want a great many things. A new apartment maybe, an Anston Martin would be nice, the latest Stephen King book, I don't know! Oh! Wait, do you mean right now? Oh, well, right now, right now...right now what I want more than anything...is to hear you scream for me. Can you do that for me?
EMPLOYEE
Oh no no no no!
Jack is now standing right in front of the Employee as he tries to back away.
JACK
Now, there's no need to get angry, my demands aren't high, just a little one?
The Employee is now crouching in the corner, paralyzed in fear.
JACK
(irritated)
I said...SCREAM!
Jack pulls out a knife and stabs the Employee's hand, he shrieks in pain. Jack listens with delight.
JACK
THAT is an EXCELLENT start, but I think we can do better, don't you?
Jack slides the knife through his hand and up to his shoulder. The Employee screams even louder, Jack listens with eyes closed, mouth ajar, and smiling an insidious grin.
JACK
NOW THAT'S MORE LIKE IT! Don't you just love that sound? Sounds like an orchestra led by a deaf woman on a pogo stick.
(laughing hysterically)
I LOVE IT!
Jack laughs hysterically for a few minutes before calming down and looking at the nearly bled out, shaking employee.
JACK
Heh heh, sorry, I just really enjoy my work. Now then, have you breathed your last breath? If you haven't, you should. Go ahead, I'll wait. Make it a deep one though.
Unsure as to what to do, the Employee breaths in as deep as he can given his current situation.
JACK
Excellent, good job boyo!
Jack raises his knife one more time and thrusts towards his head. The screens turns to black before the blow is made.